I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
