disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i think i just lost a toe
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
