my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
