***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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