i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
