I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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