She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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