worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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