Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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