All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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