Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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