Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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