I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
