Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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