i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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