forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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