I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
