I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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