Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Well I just put wine in my tea
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
