I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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