It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
