i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
