ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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