there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
