I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
