I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
