Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You left your phone here
Wait...
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