NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
