Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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