Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
