Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
