i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
