$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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