I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
