I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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