New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
