Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
