just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize