Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
