Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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