Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
