I like to think it a success when the cops are called
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
