well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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