I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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