So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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