I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
