Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
