Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
