Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
