Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
