How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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