The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
