I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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