i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
