SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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