I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
