he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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