his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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