I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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